Truth (and a Shout Out to Black Eyeliner)
Last week I saw Green Day, one of my favorite bands, in concert. I suppose there’s a way Billie Joe Armstrong could possibly be any hotter, but I sure don’t know what it is. Particularly since I find Billie Joe, with his bandmates not far behind him, one of the sexiest people on the planet, I found the concert experience enjoyable. Since then I have been distracted by a bit of a Green Day obsession kick. Sometimes seeing my favorite bands in concert has amped up my enthusiasm for them considerably in the immediately following days/weeks, and the intensity I have experienced both times I’ve seen Green Day live seems a prime example.
Not that I’m saying I’ve been slacking on writing because I’ve been sitting around downloading and viewing Green Day videos over and over again or anything. Okay, that is what’s been happening. But anyway, in addition to comparing me to a 12-year-old, a good friend of mine said on the phone a little while ago as I professed this infatuation with Billie Joe, “It’s the mascara, isn’t it?” Easily overriding any semi-automatic urge to protest/defend myself, the question “How did he know that?!” came forth in my consciousness, and I laughed.
It has indeed come to my attention during this mini-perusal of Green Day and their past video and photographic presentations that yes, it does seem to be Billie’s eye makeup that makes his physical appearance most compelling to me (in conjunction with his black hair…if he were to dye his hair blond again, I feel like I would cry). The man wears black eyeliner better than almost anyone, man or woman, I have ever seen (one exception being Rick Write, a discovery I made two Halloweens ago). Energetically, I adore seeing Billie Joe (and the whole band) live, and I adore his voice as well, but I have found upon examining some of Green Day’s earlier eye makeup-less videos that it does seem to be the black eye makeup (which, as my friend pointed out, did not arise as the norm until the 2004 release of American Idiot) that makes me drool over Mr. Armstrong’s appearance.
Why am I rambling about this? Good question. Maybe it somehow hearkens back to something I recognize from my past…as well as highlighting something I am just seeing now. Donna George Storey, who has been an inspiration to me about as long as I’ve known of her, but particularly since I’ve been interacting with her personally, wrote on her blog today about a past experience of hers, and she does so with proclaimed sincerity and rawness. It resonated with me, likely because of these very characteristics.
As I have noticed myself feeling drawn to this virtually un-accessible figure the past several days, I have felt something familiar as well as seen something I hadn’t seen in the realm before. It does not feel new to me to develop infatuations with people who are basically not accessible to me. At this time, however, I am seeing that it is not actually an infatuation with that person. (Or even with black eyeliner — though Rick, if you do feel like wearing it more frequently than only with certain Halloween costumes, please do feel free.) It is a fixation on an energy, a feeling I get from this person that connects to a yearning somewhere in me.
Billie Joe Armstrong to me exudes an energy of intensity, sexual and otherwise, that has historically pulled strongly in me. Right now it’s yanking hard, and why that is I haven’t quite discerned yet. That may make this seem like a somewhat incomplete post, but sharing it this way may also be supporting clarity in ways I don’t yet know.
When I was younger, I don’t recall it occurring to me to see these fixations as anything other than on literal individuals. Those infatuations rode themselves out, sometimes rather intensely it seemed to me. Now, there does seem to be a recognition in me that something else is going on. An energy in me is pulling hard, and it’s fixating on something physically manifested; and frankly, it probably wants me to do as I did when I was younger and focus my energy there so that I do not see the deeper implications of what is going on.
That is not to what I aspire now.
Sometimes when I was younger these fixations were on things/people a little closer to me physically, and that may have resulted in my embarking on, for example, sexual encounters that may not have been fully matured/ripe for happening. Meaning, had I stayed with an examination of what was really going on, I may have discerned this energy pulling me, perhaps desperately, toward some sort of distraction or outlet — and seeing that, I could have chosen the actions I took consciously. That may have involved doing the same things I did then, or maybe not. The difference would have been that rather than reacting to an unconscious demand in me, I would have seen what was going on and chosen consciously.
The significance of this distinction may hardly be overstated.
At a retreat I attended the weekend before last, I experienced a stunning breakthrough. It may be that the habitual tendencies in me (collectively, the ego) are scrambling to regain authority, reign in this awakeness, maintain status quo. That could be why I feel this familiar/habitual pull so distinctly right now. Since, again, being asleep to habitual patterns in me is not to what I aspire, I appreciate this opportunity to see them and more than that in me, and I commit myself to staying with what the Universe is offering me.
Thank you, Donna, for sharing your truth.
Love and Gratitude,
Emerald
-Green Day “Holiday“
10 Responses “Truth (and a Shout Out to Black Eyeliner)”
Amen on the black eyeliner. My favorite version of Shirley Manson is with the heavy, heavy eyeliner. And smeared lipstick.
Ah, yes.
Touching on your theme of fixations on the unatainable, it’s been a while since I’ve crushed on a quote-unquote celebrity quite like I did Shirley in the late ’90s/early ’00s. I would say I’ve grown out of it, but I know that’s probably not true.
Hi Haven!
“it’s been a while since I’ve crushed on a quote-unquote celebrity quite like I did Shirley in the late ’90s/early ’00s. I would say I’ve grown out of it”
I think that’s why my friend compared me to a 12-year-old. LOL!
Thank you for stopping by! :)
Wow, Emerald, this blows me away! You are so good at digging deep into the darkness and pulling out gems of self-knowledge, and jeez, if my sad blowjob post can nudge you to do this, I have to say good things have come out of a pathetic experience indeed :-)!
First of all, I am so with you on the eyeliner. My first exposure to its charms was when my sister’s gay roommate came home with a makeup set for men (late 1970s) and sat at the table carefully applying eyeliner. And he looked so sexy afterwards in an edgy, slightly disturbing way, it made me long for this to become common practice with all males. Gender-bending is always sexy, but the dark-rimmed eyes also seem to enhance the masculinity of a man, too. So, yeah, Rick, pull out that mascara tonight–your lady deserves the treat!
On to the tug of desire–I’m not sure I can fully articulate the impact your discussion of that pull of energy has on me. It certainly makes me appreciate the benefits of age and experience–although our society so privileges youth and tells us we’re washed up–but we can become more knowing, more conscious of what these crushes are about. I was working this out in a recent story about a forty something woman who is attracted to a younger man, I described it this way:
Thirty years ago, I would have called these obsessive musings a crush, but I was wise enough now to know it had nothing to do with Joseph himself. It was all about me. I was a woman who could feel and want and enjoy life’s sensual pleasures. My desire made me more interesting to myself.
Okay, well, I know it’s weird to quote myself, lol, and I think you’re describing something a little different, but the same dynamic is in play. It’s not about them, it’s about you and to be aware of this leads us down a rich path of discovery.
The ability to make conscious decisions–that’s our gift as humans, no? And it takes so long to unwrap it (for me, at least, lol). But yes, that idea is so powerful and appealing. Even more appealing than Billie Joe Armstrong, luscious as he is. (Btw, my younger son is learning “When I Come Around” on the bass–I should make him wear eyeliner ;-)
Thanks for this, Emerald! There’s more to talk about–hopefully soon :-).
Hi Em,
Donna’s post (like nearly all her posts) has had me delving into those inner places and trying to pull them out for the world to see too.
Brava to you for being so tuned into yourself and taking that growth leap of interspection.
Black eyeliner. Mmmmmm…I so get the arousal factor. I think it’s because it’s never what I’m expecting to see on a man – sexy and smokey, but somehow the gender-bender sides on the masculine side.
I love Green Day too. I love how they beat the odds and came back with music that rivaled the original pieces that put them on the map.
Great post, as usual. :-)
Hi Donna and Neve! Wow, you pointed out something that hadn’t occurred to me but with which I so agree — that the black eyeliner seems to bring out the masculine in a man. How true that seems!! Fascinating.
Thank you both very much for stopping by, and for commenting, and for what you said. Xoxo
Oh, and Donna, I forgot to say, it didn’t seem odd to me at all to quote yourself — it seemed utterly relevant and exactly what I was saying! What seemingly interesting synchronicity… ;)
Fascinating post Emerald. It’s funny, I don’t wear makeup of any kind, but eye makeup on a a guy, just does it for me too. I’m thinking here some Jack Sparrow. And for me I know that part of that’s from my “formative” years – David Bowie and Alice Cooper immediately springing to mind.
Very interesting. This post and Haven’s have me thinking.
Hey Robin — Jack Sparrow is a great example!! Thanks for stopping by. :)
“It is a fixation on an energy, a feeling I get from this person that connects to a yearning somewhere in me.”
Wowzers, what an observation. There are certain qualities that attract me to some people, not necessarily in a sexual sense, but on some mysterious level I can’t always put my finger on.
Now that you mention it, it IS energy that makes them so attractive. I’m quite shy in person, so there have been a few people over the years that I’ve admired from afar. It happens less often the older, but there are still times I come across someone dynamic and… wow. I think maybe it’s something we see in others we subconsciously wish we could incorporate in ourselves.
Hi Cora! I actually found the observation striking as well.
“maybe it’s something we see in others we subconsciously wish we could incorporate in ourselves”
This seems to me definitely worth exploring, indeed. Thank you for stopping by and for commenting!