The workshop, as many I have attended, was inner Work-focused. The things I saw and learned about myself were life-changing…so much so, paradoxically, that it feels far away somehow to remember them now. I feel and felt the shift in me, on a pre-verbal, non-conceptual level, but residing in everyday consciousness makes it almost impossible to “remember” what it is I learned.
Not that that’s always the point. Remembering is done by a part of the mind that wasn’t where I accessed the seeing I did that weekend. But there is a degree, I think, to which I haven’t fully integrated what I learned. I don’t know if I yet know how.
The reason I’m writing about it here is that much of it had to do with sex. More pointedly, I realized—or remembered—dramatically something that had occurred to me before. There is a way in which I have wondered if it is hypocritical, inappropriate, misplaced, or somehow all of those things in combination or some other adjective that hasn’t occurred to me for me to experience myself as an advocate for authentic, aware sexuality.
Because I am so far from understanding and living my own.
I haven’t always known this. Within the last year I have seen things about my own sexual experience and perspective that stunned me beyond words. Things I thought were, were not. Things I had had no inkling of a clue about were suddenly clear in my consciousness.
I think on some level the past repression I have experienced around sexuality made me think when I overcame it that the game was over. That I was free of that now, and I was thus in control of my own sexuality. To some degree, that was true. There was definitely more of my own conscious choosing around sex for me at that time, and the shift was indeed enormous. I do appreciate it beyond description and do not underestimate it.
Where I was wrong was in thinking that was the be-all end-all. The more I’ve seen about myself, the more I’ve worked on myself, the more I’ve understood that there is no such thing.
So, I have found myself wondering if my own deep revelations of the areas and degree of illusion and unconsciousness in my own experience of sexuality mean I have been and am unfit to advocate on behalf of sexuality, since I am so far from living an authentic sexual life—and having done so when I thought I was—myself.
But when that question has arisen, it has almost always been followed closely by the recognition that to my recollection, I have never claimed such. I have advocated with utmost sincerity for openness, awareness, authenticity, appreciation around sexuality—our own individual sexuality and on behalf of sexuality as the fundamental entity it is. I still do. I have not, in doing so (or at least I have not intended) claimed that I exhibit the utmost health and awareness of my own sexuality. Even if I may have thought I was doing so—which I most assuredly was not—the point, to me, in the advocacy I have done is not because I’ve felt I know it all in myself and am trying to get everyone else to fall in line.
It is, indeed, that the seeking to know is what is important.
The seeing. The asking. The receiving. The staying with. All of those things in regard to ourselves—as the essentialness and relevance of self-awareness, as I have said before, and as I passionately feel, may virtually not be overestimated.
It is not, it seems to me, where we are, but rather how open we are to seeing it and allowing shift to occur. Things are not in me what I thought they were. But my highest aspiration is to see that, to wake up, to allow consciousness to see itself through me. I have not had a clue what was going on in me, but I want to learn. I want to know. It is that openness to learning about ourselves, to self-awareness, that strikes me as of utmost importance.
So there has been tremendous unconsciousness in me around sexuality. What I have seen does not change any fundamental view I have shared about the importance of sexuality, its sacredness, any of the perspectives about our experience and appreciation of it really at all. Those are all larger than my own perspective. In fact, what I have seen reminds me of that—of that which is larger than I; and that in all of the advocacy I have done around this subject, that is always what it has been about—that which is bigger than I, and the sincere desire in me for us all to awaken to it. And that I aspire to that most of all.
That has not changed. In a way, nothing has, even as in me, the perception has expanded profoundly. And a shift has occurred with it, even if I don’t know how to articulate or verbally express it at all. I do not know everything. Or anywhere close to it—even (perhaps especially) about myself.
But that’s not why I advocate. I don’t advocate because I know—because I have it all figured out. I advocate because I don’t. And I see a potential in that that is beyond words. And it’s in us all, and the truth is, that is what I’m really advocating for: the seeing. The awareness of what is, what really is, beyond the unconscious patterns in us of which we often aren’t aware and which we think sometimes are what’s real. I had quite a taste of the reminder of that a few weeks ago. It is, actually, what I want for us all. That we see things we didn’t know about ourselves, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if it’s stunning, and we stay with that and hold ourselves in love and awaken more as a result of it.
That’s authenticity. It looks unique for everyone. It’s not a certain thing, or a certain way of doing things, or a certain look. I have not advocated for any of that. I have advocated for authenticity.
As I continue to do.
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