Archive for Sex+ Freedom/Rights
Open, Fearless, and Needed: Best Sex Writing 2012
That an anthology series called Best Sex Writing exists thrills me. Truly. There are few topics I feel the human species would benefit more from exploring, questioning, and opening to. The fact that those things all seem particularly lacking makes me even more excited to see a book—in this case, Best Sex Writing 2012, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel and published by Cleis Press—devoted to inviting and displaying them in a multi-authored tapestry.
Between the pages of Best Sex Writing 2012 is rumination, information, and investigation of a society displaying, as I see it, a severe misguidedness around the book’s title subject. The fascinating exposition of “Sex, Lies, and Hush Money” by Katherine Spillar outlines for us (just in case anyone has forgotten) the corruption and hypocrisy that is alive and well in our political systems—largely resulting from, I would argue, our continued repression, distortion, and shame around sex.
I found Radley Balko’s “You Can Have Sex with Them; Just Don’t Photograph Them” painful to read (which is not a negative comment—it was one of the pieces I appreciated most in the book); my sense of wanting to do something to help put a stop to the literal insanity it described was activated from its first page. The seemingly small but important victory of seeing it recognized and reported on assuaged my distress a tiny bit. The suspense in the powerful, heartbreaking “An Unfortunate Discharge Early in My Naval Career” by Tim Elhajj was breathtaking to me, as was the reminder that “being [accused of being] a homosexual” in the United States military could be the basis of such suspense.
In “The Careless Language of Sexual Violence,” Roxanne Gay offers a profound elucidation I found so extraordinary I don’t know how to even sum it up here. It struck me deeply as something that needed to be said, and I’m grateful to Ms. Gay for saying it.
I had already read (and recommended here) Thomas Roche‘s “Men Who ‘Buy Sex’ Commit More Crimes: Newsweek, Trafficking, and the Lie of Fabricated Sex Studies.” As I said then, I found it incisive, comprehensive, and illuminating of the issues the piece was about and responding to. (A one-sentence case in point: “Trafficking continues because of corruption and poverty, not because there are no laws against it.”)
There are also what Rachel describes in her introduction as “more personal takes on sex [...] that aren’t about making a point so much as exploring what real-life sex is like in all its beauty, drama, and messiness.” To me, three of the most moving of this kind of piece were Joan Price‘s “Grief, Resilience, and My 66th Birthday Gift,” a striking slice of memoir interwoven with, as the title suggests, experiences of grief, vitality, love, and the beauty of connection—including with ourselves; Hugo Schwyzer‘s raw, insightful (and indeed rather hot in parts) “I Want You to Want Me,” which, while very personal, lays out a commentary on gender socialization I much appreciated; and “Losing the Meatpacking District: A Queer History of Leather Culture” by Abby Taller, which relays a compelling, poignant portrait of a time and place that is no longer.
All three of these pieces compelled me in a different way, enlisting empathy and softheartedness as they opened a part of themselves onto the page and paradoxically shone a light on universal levels of sexual—and human—experience.
The combination of this kind of personal memoir alongside the investigative exposition, irreverent humor, and incisive commentary also found in this book makes for a vastly varied volume of entertainment and thought provocation. The few things in the anthology that didn’t resonate with me did not decrease my overall appreciation of it; I indeed encountered perspectives that diverged from mine, and I see that as one of the values of a book like this. Certainly I was engaged and even energized by the eloquent, captivating articulations of perspectives in alignment with mine—but those that weren’t invited me to discern and articulate why, an opportunity which is not lost on me.
Ultimately, this book exemplifies something it seems to me we could use a lot more of: open, fearless discussion of sexuality in which we talk about it like we do so many other topics—with consideration, enthusiasm, respect, curiosity, interest, reverence, scrutiny, and maturity…rather than the degrees of pubescence and oppression I have found so woefully pervasive in our culture. Rachel asserts in her introduction that “the more we talk about the many ways sex moves us, the more we work toward a world where sexual shame, ignorance, homophobia, and violence are diminished.” I couldn’t agree more, and I thank the the editor, contributors, and publisher of Best Sex Writing 2012 for offering their time and attention to doing so.
Love,
Emerald
“Did you read the news today, they say the danger’s gone away, but I can see the fire’s still alight, burning into the night…this is the world we live in, and these are the names we’re given, stand up and let’s start showing just where our lives are going to…”
-Disturbed “Land of Confusion”
An Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh
March 3rd is International Sex Worker Rights Day. My post in honor of it is combined with a few other things I want to address and is in the form of an open letter to Rush Limbaugh.
Dear Mr. Limbaugh:
From what I have interpreted in the last week, it seems you do not like the idea of birth control being funded by health insurance companies. It further appears that you found it appropriate to speculate about the personal life of an individual who disagrees with you about that and spoke about it before members of Congress.
Do you have health insurance, Rush? Would it be safe to say that you feel you should be able to eat all the french fries you want and that your insurance should still pay for treatment for you were you to develop heart disease (I certainly do not wish this on you or anyone), and that if you did happen to experience a heart attack, insurance should pay for your medical care during and after that as well? If so, we are on the same page.
If not, then for whatever reason, we do appear to disagree. Not that I would describe the above situation as taxpayers being asked to satisfy the eating habits of radio personalities, but if we are going to have a system of health insurance, it seems appropriate to me that it should cover the health care needs of the people it insures—even if those health care needs seem influenced by the lifestyle choices the holders of it, citizens of a free and democratic republic, make.
You mentioned that you felt that Sandra Fluke, who spoke before a congressional forum about contraceptive coverage in relation to health insurance, was a “slut” and a “prostitute” because she she feels birth control pills should be covered by health insurance. “Slut,” of course, is a subjective term—since it seems to me it has no actual definition, it would be hard to claim it to be slanderous. Furthermore, some of us don’t see it as a denigrating label. You could call me a slut, for example, until you’re blue in the face, and it wouldn’t disquiet me in the least because I simply don’t perceive the word as an insult.
Similarly, I don’t see labeling someone a prostitute as an insult. In the case of that word, it does refer to an actual job, so the label could be incorrect. Claiming that I am a prostitute at this time, for example, would be incorrect, but it would hold about as much power to insult me as claiming I am an accountant. Both are erroneous, but I certainly don’t take offense to either.
Because we have ignorant, puritanical, and inappropriate laws in this country about it, however, prostitution is illegal. So stating that someone works as a prostitute is claiming that person does something illegal. Thus that, if not true, is slanderous. I wish Ms. Fluke all the best in introducing legal action against you as such should she choose to.
Probably you didn’t know that today, March 3rd, is International Sex Worker Rights Day. One of the things supporting that means to me is advocating for the decriminalization of prostitution so that one day what you said about Ms. Fluke would not be slanderous because 1) it wouldn’t be accusing someone of doing something illegal, and 2) the ignorance and judgment of collective society would have subsided so that what you said would not even be perceived as an insult.
Of course, the energy with which you said it would probably still make it an unsavory thing to say. It wasn’t the words but the judgmental and disrespectful energy with which it was said, the relatively unconscious place from which it came, that made it so unfortunate.
To be frank, it would seem to me that one who underwent what became a public challenge with substance addiction as you did would have developed more empathy both for the basic struggles of your fellow humans and also for those whose personal business is intruded upon by a culture that seems to find it okay to do so to those considered famous or public figures. Why that didn’t appear to happen, I don’t know, but it seems doubly sorrowful to me because I suspect it means you are suffering all the more in order to close your heart off to the natural development of empathy.
I don’t doubt that you struggle a lot. Anyone who treats others with the degree of vitriol and contempt I have observed in you almost certainly feels those things toward oneself, whether it is realized consciously or not. I wish you all the best with the struggles and challenges you experience. In truth, it is not actually hard for me to do so—I recognize that we are ultimately all one, and even when I feel enormous frustration with what I perceive to be the ignorance or unconsciousness someone displays, I am still aware that there is something much bigger than that.
The truth is, Rush, I suspect that someday you will perceive and feel true regret for the degree to which you’ve treated your fellow human beings with disrespect. It may be on your deathbed, perhaps before. Or, perhaps it will not happen at all. I just suspect it will. Remembering that reminds me of the compassion I feel for you, as true compassion (which I feel we all have the intrinsic capacity for, whether we recognize it or not) is compassion for everyone—it’s indivisible. I don’t want to intrude on your process, so I beg your pardon for saying that; it is not for me to speculate, really. It’s just something that has occurred to me as I have observed this situation.
I wish you all the best, and indeed I do plan to continue to have as much sex as I want, with however many partners as I want, as often as I want. That happens to not be the reason doctors have recommended birth control pills as part of my health care, but it is a choice I make just like many citizens who choose to eat french fries and still receive health care for heart and other diseases. As long as I work for or pay for health insurance, I expect it to cover my health care needs to the same degree it does the rest of the citizenry, regardless of what my employer finds appropriate.
Sincerely,
Emily McCay
aka Emerald
-LIVE “Transmit Your Love”
Hold This Space
Once again, it is December 17—the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers.
My hope was and is to blog about this more here, but I have a graduation party to attend tonight for a friend of mine who has just finished law school, and I don’t have much time now before I have to leave to travel there. I did not want to let this day go by, however, without acknowledging the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers here, so even though this post is not as extensive or complete as I wanted it to be (I may add more/finish it later), I offer reverent recognizance of this day as first proclaimed by Annie Sprinkle in 2003. I have had my red candle burning as I’ve been getting ready tonight, and I take a moment now to breath consciously in honor of the recognizance of this day, in reverence for all who have been involved in the intersection of sex work and violence, and in a wish for awakening for the same (including perpetrators) and for us all.
I also want to share this quote I encountered last night in a SWOP-Chicago press release:
“Sex workers are not targeted because sex work is inherently dangerous. Sex workers are targeted because perpetrators know prostitutes are afraid of law enforcement and won’t seek the aid of law enforcement until it’s too late. They are targeted because of the stigma surrounding sex work. This stigma is constantly regenerated in the way politicians, end-demand advocates, and media representatives talk about prostitution.”
Blessings and love to all.
Love,
Emerald
-Collin Raye “Not That Different”
Then As Now
“But paradise, we found, is always frail; against man’s fear will always fail…”-From the narrated poem in the opening of Dangerous Beauty
The movie is Dangerous Beauty. The screenplay is adapted from the book The Honest Courtesan, a biography by Margaret Rosenthal of Veronica Franco, sixteenth-century Venetian writer/poet and courtesan. Ms. Franco lived, and thus the events in the movie and the time period in which they are contextualized occurred, 450 years ago—a time so far in the distant past it may seem archaic or hard to conceptualize in light of how different human society is now.
Except it’s not. Different, that is. As I finished watching Dangerous Beauty for the first time that day last year, I was struck by how much, on some level, we have not changed.
Now indeed, I will say first that there are things that have on some level shifted or rearranged such that our gender roles, for example, seem less strict, and of course I appreciate that. At this point and in this location on the earth, I have additional options as a woman to survive financially beyond marrying, becoming a nun, or working as a courtesan or prostitute. There are practical ways in which women in many parts of the world have far more opportunities for financial independence now than they did in sixteenth-century Venice. This of course calls for acknowledgement, and I duly extend it. My personal appreciation for such is profound, and to not acknowledge that would be disingenuous and inappropriate.
That withstanding, however, I would argue that throughout our collective civilization, deep-seated and unconscious perceptions and distortions still exist that relegate us in very fundamental ways to the same as we were then. We’re dressed up a little bit differently—but we’re the same. So much so that it’s staggering.
Marriage is still a contract (if in doubt, observe phenomena such as alimony and the state’s having anything to do with whom is “allowed” to marry), and though what we tend to associate with romantic love seems more of a reason to marry now than then, people still feel political, financial, or other reasons to get married. Marriage itself is still expected—monogamy is still the default, the standard for people’s lives in romantic relationship. Affairs still exist, and we still pretend not to acknowledge their prevalence or potential complexity as any invitation to examine the possibility that monogamy and marriage are perhaps not the ideal configurations for all individuals.
“The Church” still inserts itself into public affairs—sometimes via official governments—claiming an esoteric authority and the position to judge the general populace according to the standards it chooses to set. We are still compelled by war. Poverty, disease, populist unrest remain. There is still rampant evidence of nationalism, classism, sexism, and political manipulation. We are still encouraged to follow the rules, whatever they may be, and not question or flout them lest we interrupt the fragile illusion of whatever arbitrary perspective of “reality” our ego-based selves have created and think they feel comfortable with.
In Dangerous Beauty, when the plague begins to run rampant through Venice, the townspeople/collective society turn on what is considered the decadence and indulgence of the city, of which courtesans are perceived to be squarely in the middle. A following of religiously oriented purveyors develops and overtly blames “those who tempt us” with “fornication and carnal practices” for the “God”-inflicted downfall of the republic.
In response to a protest that the Inquisition has appeared in Venice, the doge (presiding figure of the republic at the time) responds, “Fifty-six thousand people are dead. The living want answers. They may be the wrong answers, but they want them just the same.”
To me this line virtually epitomizes that which has not changed in four and a half centuries. Throughout society there are examples of selective intervention in human rights abuses, astounding hypocrisy in application of laws, and scapegoating of cultures, people, entities in order to get “answers” that a part of us finds tolerable internally and/or in response to the cognitive dissonance in us.
What seems most concerning to me about this uncanny similarity to a time centuries ago is not just the clarity with which it seems that we are such a parallel reflection of it but that we do not seem to realize that. We truly think we are different. That things were so primitive then, that they were so inhibited, their roles so strictly defined. We think we are so advanced because we have skyscrapers and spaceships and smartphones. But we still use that technological capacity to create ways to destroy each other and ourselves—which tells me we are not.
It seems obvious to me that despite our apparent advances and some level of progress in social redresses, under the surface the same prejudices, constraints, ignorance, and fear that formed what was seen in sixteenth-century Venice is with us now and still forming the same things. The seemingly obvious things like racism, classism, xenophobia, sexism are outcrops, manifestations, of what has remained the same—which is our ignorance of ourselves. We have not awakened enough to be consistently aware of our true nature. We are not conscious of the unconditional love that is the deepest level of ourselves and the innate oneness of the universe.
Underlying this lack of awareness is the resistance and refusal to examine ourselves, to see that it is what is inside ourselves that may be tormenting us rather than projecting it onto a perceived external. Repression is one of the key ingredients in this phenomenon, and repression of a fundamental instinct—such as, say, the sexual one—is one of this phenomenon’s very bedrocks.
As in the movie, many of the above-described circumstances and the societal responses decrying and attacking them have to do with sex. All over the world, a conservative populace still behaves as though perceived “immorality” around sexuality is or will be the downfall of civilization. “The Church” (represented by fundamentalist perspectives of virtually all major religions) still bewails “fornication and carnal practices” and proclaims our collective suffering “punishment” for a culture steeped in “sin.” These perspectives seem to see open sexuality rather than denouncement, vilification, and repression as dangerous, sinful, and undesirable.
Why would this be? As depicted so beautifully in Dangerous Beauty, sexuality is one of the preeminent paths to love (not just romantic, but love in the universal sense), self-awareness, Divinity, connection, gratitude, openness, and beauty. Then as now, this aspect is so fundamental to us that it instills the kind of fear that has through the ages attracted measures of denouncement, repression, fear, violence, and desperation in the face of truly experiencing and interacting with it because it is so impossibly close to us, so unavoidably reflective of ourselves—we cannot not see ourselves if we are truly and openly acknowledging and examining the sexual impulse within us. It forces us to face ourselves, and to truly do that is something we have found, probably throughout our human existence, excruciatingly difficult to do. Sexuality, our instinctive drive for what it represents, for pleasure and beauty and openness and love, is so close that we must either surrender to it or do everything in our power to control it. Yes, there are measures in between, but the sexual impulse does not give up—it doesn’t have that capacity. No matter how we try to control it, sexuality just is. It’s how we be with it that is the opportunity.
Sexual repression appeared rampant at the time of Dangerous Beauty‘s depiction (and highly encouraged by social structures at that time). It appears rampant to me now (and highly encouraged, perhaps in superficially different ways, by social structures currently). Am I suggesting that a large part of the fear, hatred, and relentless harm we do each other around the world at this time is based, at least in part, on sexual repression?
I am.
At a key point in the film, Veronica Franco’s character states,
“I confess I find more ecstasy in passion than in prayer. Such passion is prayer. . . . I confess I hunger still to be filled and enflamed, to melt into the dream of us, beyond this troubled place—to where we are not even ourselves.”
Those lines gave me chills the first time I watched the movie, and they did again yesterday when I watched it most recently. I would certainly not say that everyone should agree with them and feel the same way—we are all unique and experience things as such. I do wish, though, truly and deeply, that we would see the offering in them and open to discover whatever truth resonates uniquely and authentically within each of us.
It is in that, it seems to me, that true progress lies.
Love,
Emerald
-Adam Lambert “Aftermath”
An Extraordinary Gathering (and a Gathering of the Extraordinary)
One week ago right now (that is to say, last Monday at 1:00 in the morning) I was in the bar of the hotel where the MOMENTUM: Making waves in sexuality, feminism & relationships through new media conference was held, engaging in a social hour(s…) with conference organizers Tess Danesi, Diva, and a number of the other conference attendees/presenters.
The moment I drove away from the hotel, and thus the conference, that night, I started missing it.
I experienced MOMENTUM as so extraordinary and magnificent it’s felt hard, really, to recreate it in words. The general energy of the gathering of people focused on, appreciative of, and fascinated by sexuality seemed palpable to me; I experienced this energy as vibrant, refreshing, and consistent throughout the conference, starting even before any of its official events had begun. It was like being in an energetic hot tub. In addition, Robin Sampson/Erobintica and a friend of hers came down to stay with me to attend the conference, which was an added pleasure of the weekend.
I do not feel it is an exaggeration to say that I found all of the workshops and presenters I attended/observed astonishing. The opening panel, composed of Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Jenny Block, Reid Mihalko and moderated by Lynn Comella, struck me as positively electrifying—serving as an appropriate tone-setter as such for the rest of the weekend. As I had followed the list of presenters in the weeks leading up to MOMENTUM’s beginning, I felt delighted and impressed by the figures Tess and Diva were securing to present there. Though I knew I felt excited to see/meet so many of them in person, I was truly blown away by the power and energy I experienced when the time came from the presentations I had the privilege of experiencing.
Saturday began for me with Megan Andelloux‘s workshop on educating about sexual health and pleasure. I’ve known of Megan since the story of the controversy about her Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health was reported on Good Vibrations Magazine in 2009, resulting in my immediate support for her endeavor and its success. Shortly after that I became acquainted with her online, and it was a delight to get to meet her in person and certainly to see her present. Also on Saturday I had the unexpected fascination of attending the impromptu presentation by Constance Penley, who was at the conference and filled in for another speaker who had canceled. Constance served as an expert witness in last year’s obscenity trial of John Stagliano, and I found it utterly riveting to hear her behind-the-scenes account and perspective of such.
Early Sunday morning saw a panel I found starkly fascinating and informative in Sex Positive Interventions: The Feminist Sex Wars and Beyond presented by Lynn Comella and Carol Queen. Later Sunday, having found his energy distinctly compelling during the opening panel Friday night, I attended the presentation of Reid Mihalko, my meeting of whom was one of my favorite parts of the conference. The conference closed Sunday afternoon with an open-to-the-public discussion from Tristan Taormino and Susie Bright, which it probably goes without saying I found magnificent.
After all the official offerings were said and done, it was with the social gathering at the bar Sunday evening that the conference weekend ended for me. This was one of my favorite aspects of the conference—the opportunity to personally interact with the others there (this happened Saturday night too, when Rachel Kramer Bussel was still in town and I got to see her—and eat one of the cupcakes she brought!—at MOMENTUM headquarters [i.e., Tess and Diva’s hotel suite] for a while). Here I got to spend much more time with Tess, Diva, Lynn, Reid, and others as well as connect for the first time with the lovely and delightful Greg DeLong, co-founder and designer of (the gorgeous!) njoy sex toys.
At one of my former day jobs at a nonprofit dedicated to supporting and protecting reproductive health and rights, we were asked at a board meeting one time to go around the room and introduce ourselves and say something we found inspiring. When it got to me, I said that I found it inspiring to be in a room full of people that I knew cared about this issue as much as I did—so much that they would devote their livelihood or time or resources to it and convene at this gathering where embodying and expressing such were at the forefront of our consciousness. Historically I have tended to profoundly appreciate being in the presence of such gatherings, to witness physically the existence of people who experience the same intensity and clarity about a subject that feels so important to me.
That’s how I felt at MOMENTUM. And immediately after I left Sunday night, I missed that camaraderie, the feeling/knowing I was surrounded physically by people who care as much about exploring, discussing, and appreciating sexuality as I do and the warm feeling of knowing I would be going back to that and surrounded by it again the next day. I relate to the description found here that fellow conference attendee (presenter, actually) Leela wrote about this phenomenon.
In summary, what an amazing conference. A result, of course, of amazing creators and organizers Tess and Diva, to whom I extend profound and enormous thanks—not only am I so appreciative of and impressed by what they created and convened, I am truly thrilled that I had the opportunity to personally be a part of it.
I can hardly wait for MOMENTUM 2012.
Love,
Emerald
-LIVE “All I Need”
Bittersweet Balloons
Two years ago, one of my dearest friends informed me that her great Uncle Jesse’s (names changed for privacy) 90th birthday was coming up. She said that at his 80th birthday party, he had told everyone that if he made it to his 90th, he wanted to have a “girl jump out of the cake” at his party. With his 90th birthday and corresponding party plans imminent, my friend told me her mother and Uncle Jesse’s wife (Aunt Grace) were wondering if they could hire me to surprise Uncle Jesse at his party with a (very tame) strip tease.
I said of course, and on the day of the party I wore a matching polka-dot push-up bra and boyshorts set and covered myself with blue balloons, which Uncle Jesse was provided with a thumbtack to pop while I danced. I had a delightful time performing that job and meeting Uncle Jesse and Aunt Grace, whom I enjoyed seeing occasionally over the next couple years as my friend got married and her family and I encountered each other at different wedding-related events.
Several weeks ago Uncle Jesse underwent surgery and experienced some subsequent complications. While he was recovering, I was told that Aunt Grace had brought him a picture of me taken the day of his 90th birthday party so he could show the nurses his “balloon girl,” whom he had apparently talked about. My friend said this was done “not in a silly way – it really cheered him up.”
Uncle Jesse died last week, just short of age 92. I will attend his memorial service on Saturday.
Sometimes, professional sexual entertainment is lighthearted, fun, sweet, moving. Sometimes it may hold an importance or make a difference in someone’s life many people aren’t or wouldn’t be aware of.
Today (March 3) is International Sex Workers’ Rights Day. This year has brought me, not that I need one, a bittersweet personal reminder that sex work encompasses and touches a wide variety of services, people, and experiences. As always, I offer love and support for sex workers and the recognition of their/our professional and human rights.
And I offer love to all who knew and loved Uncle Jesse, and wish him a beautiful journey.
Love,
Emerald
“If you could stand tall with me…so much more that we could know…move past this flesh and blood, see what’s inside of you…”
-Ed Kowalczyk “Stand”
Relevance, Resources, and Reminiscence: Appreciating Scarleteen
On the entry page to my website, the “Not 18 yet? Exit here” button links to Scarleteen. That has been the case since my site went live, and it was something I knew would be the case when I first began to conceptualize having and creating a website.
This post is my participation in the Scarleteen Blog Carnival, a fundraising appeal for Scarleteen.com. Scarleteen provides an extraordinary wealth of sexuality-related information and services to youth, from detailed pages about sexual anatomy to in-depth answers to questions from readers to message boards and a real-time text/SMS service where youth may receive prompt or immediate answers to their questions.
All these and the other amazing resources Scarleteen provides, it provides for free. While I’ve known of Scarleteen for a number of years, I rarely thought about how it sustained itself financially and didn’t know that it did so exclusively through donations (it receives no public/governmental funding). When I did learn this, I became a donor. If you find yourself similarly inclined to offer Scarleteen financial support, please visit this page to do so or for more information.
It may seem odd, but I don’t actually remember very much about the sex education I received (or didn’t receive) in school. It might be that, probably unlike a lot of youth, I simply didn’t find it important or relevant: Deeply ingrained in my psyche was that I was not to have sex before I was married, and probably also unlike many youth, this rule was not questioned by me, nor did I feel at all at liberty to break it. (I seemed also to have a vague view that when I got married, it would all somehow magically come together and I would know everything I needed to know, I suppose just because I was doing the “right” thing.)
Back then, it seems my thinking was pretty literal (that tendency has probably not changed very much), and thus the “sex” in “no sex before marriage” meant to me vaginal intercourse. That wasn’t because I was trying to be sneaky and get away with anything else; it was simply that it didn’t occur to me that that wasn’t exactly what it meant. My (admittedly skewed) understanding was that it was vaginal intercourse that was not allowed by “God” until marriage. Everything else I didn’t seem to consider “sex,” so I sincerely didn’t feel it was breaking that (extremely strict and rigid) rule to partake in any of it.
Thus, in addition to giving and receiving oral sex, I had anal sex long before I “lost my virginity.” Given the above definition, it did not occur to me that anal sex wouldn’t be an allowable alternative to the vaginal sex I was forbidden from having until/unless I was married.
In other words, sex education was not irrelevant for me.
I don’t consider it problematic in itself that I was having anal sex at this age (mid-teens) for any moral reasoning or such. (I actually find it more concerning that sexuality as a whole seemed so steeped in fear and potential punishment for me.) Where some kind of sex education would have been helpful is in that I really didn’t know jack about anal sex (for example, I knew nothing of lube). I remember knowing to use a condom, which I appreciate, but I didn’t seem to understand yet the essentialness of using one every time, because I do remember wondering if I could become pregnant from anal sex the one or two times my boyfriend and I didn’t have a condom handy and didn’t use one.
At those times I specifically remember wishing there were someone I could ask this quick question without feeling embarrassment, arousing suspicion, or eliciting some kind of condemnation or punishment. There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt comfortable engaging in an extensive conversation on the subject of sex (however beneficial that may have been to me), and I just wanted an immediate answer to the simple question of whether I could become pregnant via anal sex.
Enter Scarleteen.
Scarleteen wasn’t around then of course, but it’s exactly the kind of resource I was looking for—probably very quickly, I could have found the answer to that question (if for some reason I didn’t, I could go to the message boards and ask, or text for a real-time response). But what I really find striking is what occurs to me in addition to that: Had Scarleteen existed, and had I visited it to find the answer to this simple question, I don’t doubt that I may have found enough interest in much of the other information there, and found the presentation sufficiently appealing and comfortable, that I might have spent some time perusing the multitude of information about sex and sexuality specifically directed toward teens and youth that Scarleteen provides.
And that, I suspect, could have supported me quite a bit.
One of the things I appreciate most about Scarleteen is that in addition to providing sexuality education from physiological, health, intimacy, relationship, sexual orientation/identity, legal, and self-awareness perspectives, the site offers this information in a straightforward, nonjudgmental, respectful, non-gender-stereotyping, and non-proselytizing way. It doesn’t use marriage as a starting point to discuss sex (a constraint I truly find disturbing). It doesn’t use presentation steeped in fear, gender biases and stereotypes, religious rules, or anti-sex “morality.” Perhaps most notably (and probably related to all those things), Scarleteen recognizes and discusses the pleasure of sex, its inherent place in our lives and the world, treating it as a facet of a whole and complete existence and understanding of self just like eating, creativity, safety, self-expression, knowledge, interpersonal relationship, and so many other things our cultural has seemed much more comfortable acknowledging and honoring.
Scarleteen honors sex this way too, and that’s why I honor them.
When I worked in the day-job world, the position I most commonly held was as a fundraiser for nonprofits. While it may not appear so to donors, which is appropriate, fundraising is a concentrated, time-consuming, demanding endeavor. Things like writing proposals and reports and appeals and thank-you letters take a lot of time, organization, and punctuality. Scarleteen founder and director Heather Corinna alludes to this as follows:
“Scarleteen has always been primarily supported by generous individuals like yourself and small community groups. While this requires we operate at a far smaller budget than other similar organizations, it also allows us a high level of freedom and autonomy and the greatest ability to provide young people with what they are asking us for, rather than seeking to create or adapt content and services primarily to suit what funders want. On top of that, this approach to funding also allows our staff to put nearly all of our time, energy and money into directly serving youth, rather than into grant seeking, writing and administrating.”
I love the idea of Scarleteen’s staff getting to devote more of its attention and resources to the services it provides and less to the administrative fundraising requirements with which I am so familiar. Thus, I am delighted to have this opportunity to support the site’s raising of funds by partaking in the Scarleteen Blog Carnival. Especially in a culture where we pretend that kids under the age of 18 are not having, curious about, or thinking about sex and should thus have no access to information or “ideas” about it, a site like Scarleteen seems invaluable to me.
Because of this, I deeply appreciate Scarleteen’s existence and the service it provides. If you do too and feel so moved, I invite you to consider supporting Scarleteen financially. Thank you to all those who have, and thank you again to Heather Corinna and Scarleteen.com for doing what they do.
Love,
Emerald
“‘Children behave,’ that’s what they say when we’re together, ‘and watch how you play,’ they don’t understand…look at the way we’ve got to hide what we’re doing, cause what would they say if they ever knew…”
-Tiffany “I Think We’re Alone Now”
A Montage of Sexual Freedom
September 23 (today) is National Sexual Freedom Day! The Woodhull Freedom Foundation, whose mission is to affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right, has organized a celebration of Sexual Freedom Day at the National Press Club in Washington, DC, at which time it will also unveil its 2010 State of Sexual Freedom in the US Report. I am delighted that said event(s) happen to be local to me, so I will be attending them in part later this afternoon.
In the meantime, Woodhull has also invited bloggers to participate in a Blog Carnival honoring Sexual Freedom Day. This post represents my enthusiastic participation!
It seems to me I have blogged here a number of times about topics related to sexual freedom—indeed, it is a central tenet of what I have aimed for this blog to encapsulate. When I learned of the Blog Carnival (thank you to Elizabeth Wood for the heads up), it occurred to me to excerpt things from these past posts on topics that seem to me related to sexual freedom and present them in montage form.
I have chosen the categories below directly from the list of Key Issues at the Woodhull Freedom Foundation website to use as headings to organize these passages from past posts. Not everything I find relevant and significant to sexual freedom is encompassed here, of course. Some of it I haven’t written about, or haven’t written about yet. : ) But at least in part, this is an excerpted representation of articulations I have posted on The Green Light District pertaining to sexual freedom.
ON FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS:ON INTEGRATION OF SEX WITH SPIRITUALITY*:Because beyond all the (numerous and significant) practical implications I find so disturbing about abstinence-only sex education, philosophically speaking there is a basic premise of the perspective and rhetoric that profoundly doesn’t resonate with me.
Frequently the focus/discussion is on “sex before you get married.” For quite a while I’ve found the “before you get married” part of this rhetoric notable. Before you get married—because, of course, you’re going to get married.
Um…what if you don’t get married (or legally can’t where you choose to live)? What if you don’t want to get married? What if that doesn’t feel like a prominent focus in your life at this time, and you’re not sure it ever will? Does that mean sex is just out of the question for you?
The assertion that these two things are exclusively connected actually makes me feel a little bit queasy. The idea of taking something as fundamental, inherent, and personal as sexuality and forcing it into a rigid, in some ways arguably arbitrary as far as sex is concerned, social standard seems appalling to me. I am not arguing against marriage. I am not saying people shouldn’t get married, or that marriage is irrelevant, or aiming to denigrate it in any way. I am lamenting the idea that marriage, the social construct, should or would be the predecessor or controller of sexuality, an inextricable, wholly individualized, absolutely fundamental aspect of life itself.
(-from “Reverence Where Reverence Is Due,” 4/3/09)
ON FREEDOM OF SEXUAL SPEECH AND EXPRESSION:The recognition in me now is that within a religious context, the idea of sex being a sin is rooted in the centuries-old postulation of a fundamental separation between the body and the spirit—with the body being the pathway to “sin.” Said view perceives “fleshly desires”—of which sex is decidedly one of the most prominent—as something to be transcended in the name of and in order to access the “spirit.”
In my perspective this claim is fundamentally flawed in its adherence to a view of separation/compartmentalization within the human being. Wholeness is, to me, congruent with spiritual realization. The “divide and conquer” mentality within ourselves inevitably leads away from this and results in myriad inauthenticities and suffering. When something as intrinsic and fundamental as sexuality is repressed or vilified, it creates a substantial internal rift. Repression does not equal obliteration.
Further, the expansion I have experienced in this area seems to have offered a clear perception that rather than simply being “acceptable,” sexuality is sacred. (Of course on some level everything is.) Being so fundamental and connected to life and humanity offers it enormous potential as a pathway to consciousness/the Divine.
(-from “Repression, Sexuality, Service, and Gratitude,” 7/18/09)
ON REPRODUCTIVE JUSTICE:I understand there has been a resistance to and subsequent shortage of stocking this title on the actual shelves of bookstores due to its categorization as erotica — which I respond to with a combination of dumfounded bafflement, infuriated frustration, and frankly, heartbreak. The idea of people missing out on the experience of this book because of a pervasive ignorance (in regard to what is allowed to be classified as “literary”) and a puritanical repressiveness (in regard to sexuality) in this society almost makes me want to cry. It also strikes me as a maddening irony that Donna is exactly the kind of artist who aims to and has delivered on the aim to propagate beautiful, exquisite art (in this case writing) that is sexually honest and explicit—yet (some) book retailers are failing to wake up to this, choosing instead to allow the drudgery of the woefully sexually repressed culture in which we live to perpetuate its disservice of failing to embrace this kind of artistic expression.
(-from “Gift of the Amorous Woman,” 8/5/08)
ON PROTECTION OF PERSONAL FREEDOMS:Many medical experts testified in the court cases that preceded this Supreme Court case (and during the legislative process of the bill’s becoming law) that this ban was, for one thing, vague, so that they wouldn’t always be sure exactly what it covered (putting their medical and professional discretion at obvious risk), and for another thing, covered procedures that may be used as early as 12 weeks into a pregnancy if the doctor determines it is the safest and/or most advantageous procedure to use.
How does the doctor determine this? I don’t know, because I’m not a doctor. And neither are the legislators that voted for this law’s passage, the president that signed it into law, or the justices who today allowed for it to be upheld.
In effect this country has just allowed the government to override doctors and medical professionals in making a health care decision which can be life-and-death or directly related to severe and significant health conditions for its female citizens. At this moment I utterly fail to see how that can be a service of a democracy.
(-from “The Supreme Court and the World of Form,” 4/18/07)
ON COMMERCIAL SEX WORK:It continues to astonish me how automatically people appear to dismiss, denigrate, and outright attack things of a sexual nature that they either know little about or simply assume must be “bad” or “wrong” because society postulates, either overtly or tacitly, some disapproval of them. What, exactly, is the argument against the practice of consensual activities between adults that is not causing harm to others?
. . . Examine the attitudes about sex and sexuality that you have naturally absorbed from the mainstream culture and consider how you feel about them. If you find yourself feeling judgment, ask yourself why you believe you are in a position to judge what is right and wrong sexually and that others should act in accordance with those beliefs as well?
. . . What if someone decided that something you consensually enjoy sexually was “wrong” and “indecent” and quite simply not allowed anymore?
(-from “Somewhere Between Frustration and Oneness,” 3/1/07)
ON MEANINGFUL SEXUAL EDUCATION:Could it be, again, that this is about sex and certain underlying biases or associations we have with it?
I feel as though I would appreciate it if this were at least recognized. There seems to be an automatic “prostitution is bad, wrong, exploitative, harmful” perspective throughout virtually the entirety of society that seems to me to rest on little more than, “well, that’s just the way it is.” Why? Why is sex so much different from all the other myriad services that aren’t even blinked at when they are commodified and used in the context of (rampant) capitalism?
(-from “Perception, Profession, and Decriminalization,” 5/24/09)
Fearing sex as a subject and our children’s eventual exposure to it as a healthy, intrinsic part of life seems indicative to me of a distortion in perspective. It is not sex itself that is problematic but our fears and issues around it of which we are not consciously aware and/or which we have not worked through, and this seems especially relevant to me in relation to how we are teaching and the messages we are sending young people about this aspect of life. Especially if we feel a fear or resistance around sexuality, I invite us all to take a deep breath and sincerely examine what is truly there and what resistances or inhibitions we encounter in relation to the subject—and to eventually explore the idea of feeling enthusiastic about nurturing the open, individualized, integrated, authentic, eventual sexual selves of all youth and indeed all individuals.
(-from “An Invitation (Perhaps a Plea) to Explore…,” 9/21/10)
To all, have a beautiful Sexual Freedom Day. : )The particular mention I give here is to the sex educators, to those who have devoted their academic and/or intellectual resources and capabilities to our sexual health and wellness with utmost respect for the pleasure, beauty, and importance of sexuality. I find what seems to be the societal lack of appreciation for them truly astounding, and I personally feel profound gratitude for the work they do in this area that is so dear to my own sensibility as well.
To the sincere, earnest, caring, thoughtful, enthusiastic, hard-working sex educators of the world—thank you.
(-from “To the Sex Educators,” 2/27/10)
Love,
Emerald
“The perception that divides you from her is a lie, for some reason you never asked why…this is not a black and white world, to be alive I say the colors must swirl, and I believe that maybe today, we will all get to appreciate, yes we will all get to appreciate, the beauty of gray…”
-LIVE “The Beauty of Gray”
