Archive for Sex+ Society
Hold This Space
Once again, it is December 17—the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers.
My hope was and is to blog about this more here, but I have a graduation party to attend tonight for a friend of mine who has just finished law school, and I don’t have much time now before I have to leave to travel there. I did not want to let this day go by, however, without acknowledging the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers here, so even though this post is not as extensive or complete as I wanted it to be (I may add more/finish it later), I offer reverent recognizance of this day as first proclaimed by Annie Sprinkle in 2003. I have had my red candle burning as I’ve been getting ready tonight, and I take a moment now to breath consciously in honor of the recognizance of this day, in reverence for all who have been involved in the intersection of sex work and violence, and in a wish for awakening for the same (including perpetrators) and for us all.
I also want to share this quote I encountered last night in a SWOP-Chicago press release:
“Sex workers are not targeted because sex work is inherently dangerous. Sex workers are targeted because perpetrators know prostitutes are afraid of law enforcement and won’t seek the aid of law enforcement until it’s too late. They are targeted because of the stigma surrounding sex work. This stigma is constantly regenerated in the way politicians, end-demand advocates, and media representatives talk about prostitution.”
Blessings and love to all.
Love,
Emerald
-Collin Raye “Not That Different”
As I See It
Fellow erotica author Shanna Germain posted on her blog yesterday a response to a recent article in the New York Times magazine. The article was about the author Nicholson Baker, who has penned, among other things, fiction of an erotic nature. Shanna, for her part, has called on those who also write erotic fiction to post a picture, if we so desire, that flouts the author’s opening description:
“Nicholson Baker does not look like a dirty-book writer. His color is good. His gaze is direct, with none of the sidelong furtiveness of the compulsive masturbator.”
Overall I found the exposition on Mr. Baker rather interesting. However, there were things I interpreted about the tone and implications from the article’s author (Charles McGrath) that I did not appreciate. Shanna quotes the above opening lines. In addition, I took exception to the following:
“What kind of person dreams up this stuff? It’s as funny as it is filthy and breathes new life into the tired, fossilized conventions of pornography in a way that suggests a deep, almost scholarly familiarity with the ancient tropes.”
Hmmm. Does it seem so hard to imagine someone who appreciates contemplation devoting his/her/their attention to the arcane subject of sexuality? As though, oh, the subject held some kind of significance or interest to the species or something?…
And:
“As Rosenthal pointed out, Baker is no ordinary, adult-bookstore pornographer. In addition to what might be called his sex trilogy, he is the author of six other novels, none of them racy in the least.”
This might not be meant this way, but the way I read that is as though it should elicit surprise or astonishment that someone who devotes attention at times to the subject of sex could also then feel drawn to and expound on other subjects in other ways with other tones. This, of course, would presumably apply to almost all adults outside an artistic context.
I feel less incensed now than when I first read the piece, but I do feel the article is loaded with what seem to me shallow assumptions about the artistic exploration of sexuality, especially coupled with other artistic exploration (as though those who write or express artistically about sex would not dream of or have the capacity to express similarly about other subjects). Truly, are we not past this kind of ignorance, pubescence, prejudice, or whatever may account for these kinds of seemingly un-nuanced or, as Shanna said, uninformed perceptions?
Here’s a gaze for you, Mr. McGrath:
Emerald “In libraries and railway stations, in books and banks, in the pages of history…I recognize myself in every stranger’s eyes…”
-Roger Waters “5:06 AM (Every Stranger’s Eyes)”
Then As Now
“But paradise, we found, is always frail; against man’s fear will always fail…”-From the narrated poem in the opening of Dangerous Beauty
The movie is Dangerous Beauty. The screenplay is adapted from the book The Honest Courtesan, a biography by Margaret Rosenthal of Veronica Franco, sixteenth-century Venetian writer/poet and courtesan. Ms. Franco lived, and thus the events in the movie and the time period in which they are contextualized occurred, 450 years ago—a time so far in the distant past it may seem archaic or hard to conceptualize in light of how different human society is now.
Except it’s not. Different, that is. As I finished watching Dangerous Beauty for the first time that day last year, I was struck by how much, on some level, we have not changed.
Now indeed, I will say first that there are things that have on some level shifted or rearranged such that our gender roles, for example, seem less strict, and of course I appreciate that. At this point and in this location on the earth, I have additional options as a woman to survive financially beyond marrying, becoming a nun, or working as a courtesan or prostitute. There are practical ways in which women in many parts of the world have far more opportunities for financial independence now than they did in sixteenth-century Venice. This of course calls for acknowledgement, and I duly extend it. My personal appreciation for such is profound, and to not acknowledge that would be disingenuous and inappropriate.
That withstanding, however, I would argue that throughout our collective civilization, deep-seated and unconscious perceptions and distortions still exist that relegate us in very fundamental ways to the same as we were then. We’re dressed up a little bit differently—but we’re the same. So much so that it’s staggering.
Marriage is still a contract (if in doubt, observe phenomena such as alimony and the state’s having anything to do with whom is “allowed” to marry), and though what we tend to associate with romantic love seems more of a reason to marry now than then, people still feel political, financial, or other reasons to get married. Marriage itself is still expected—monogamy is still the default, the standard for people’s lives in romantic relationship. Affairs still exist, and we still pretend not to acknowledge their prevalence or potential complexity as any invitation to examine the possibility that monogamy and marriage are perhaps not the ideal configurations for all individuals.
“The Church” still inserts itself into public affairs—sometimes via official governments—claiming an esoteric authority and the position to judge the general populace according to the standards it chooses to set. We are still compelled by war. Poverty, disease, populist unrest remain. There is still rampant evidence of nationalism, classism, sexism, and political manipulation. We are still encouraged to follow the rules, whatever they may be, and not question or flout them lest we interrupt the fragile illusion of whatever arbitrary perspective of “reality” our ego-based selves have created and think they feel comfortable with.
In Dangerous Beauty, when the plague begins to run rampant through Venice, the townspeople/collective society turn on what is considered the decadence and indulgence of the city, of which courtesans are perceived to be squarely in the middle. A following of religiously oriented purveyors develops and overtly blames “those who tempt us” with “fornication and carnal practices” for the “God”-inflicted downfall of the republic.
In response to a protest that the Inquisition has appeared in Venice, the doge (presiding figure of the republic at the time) responds, “Fifty-six thousand people are dead. The living want answers. They may be the wrong answers, but they want them just the same.”
To me this line virtually epitomizes that which has not changed in four and a half centuries. Throughout society there are examples of selective intervention in human rights abuses, astounding hypocrisy in application of laws, and scapegoating of cultures, people, entities in order to get “answers” that a part of us finds tolerable internally and/or in response to the cognitive dissonance in us.
What seems most concerning to me about this uncanny similarity to a time centuries ago is not just the clarity with which it seems that we are such a parallel reflection of it but that we do not seem to realize that. We truly think we are different. That things were so primitive then, that they were so inhibited, their roles so strictly defined. We think we are so advanced because we have skyscrapers and spaceships and smartphones. But we still use that technological capacity to create ways to destroy each other and ourselves—which tells me we are not.
It seems obvious to me that despite our apparent advances and some level of progress in social redresses, under the surface the same prejudices, constraints, ignorance, and fear that formed what was seen in sixteenth-century Venice is with us now and still forming the same things. The seemingly obvious things like racism, classism, xenophobia, sexism are outcrops, manifestations, of what has remained the same—which is our ignorance of ourselves. We have not awakened enough to be consistently aware of our true nature. We are not conscious of the unconditional love that is the deepest level of ourselves and the innate oneness of the universe.
Underlying this lack of awareness is the resistance and refusal to examine ourselves, to see that it is what is inside ourselves that may be tormenting us rather than projecting it onto a perceived external. Repression is one of the key ingredients in this phenomenon, and repression of a fundamental instinct—such as, say, the sexual one—is one of this phenomenon’s very bedrocks.
As in the movie, many of the above-described circumstances and the societal responses decrying and attacking them have to do with sex. All over the world, a conservative populace still behaves as though perceived “immorality” around sexuality is or will be the downfall of civilization. “The Church” (represented by fundamentalist perspectives of virtually all major religions) still bewails “fornication and carnal practices” and proclaims our collective suffering “punishment” for a culture steeped in “sin.” These perspectives seem to see open sexuality rather than denouncement, vilification, and repression as dangerous, sinful, and undesirable.
Why would this be? As depicted so beautifully in Dangerous Beauty, sexuality is one of the preeminent paths to love (not just romantic, but love in the universal sense), self-awareness, Divinity, connection, gratitude, openness, and beauty. Then as now, this aspect is so fundamental to us that it instills the kind of fear that has through the ages attracted measures of denouncement, repression, fear, violence, and desperation in the face of truly experiencing and interacting with it because it is so impossibly close to us, so unavoidably reflective of ourselves—we cannot not see ourselves if we are truly and openly acknowledging and examining the sexual impulse within us. It forces us to face ourselves, and to truly do that is something we have found, probably throughout our human existence, excruciatingly difficult to do. Sexuality, our instinctive drive for what it represents, for pleasure and beauty and openness and love, is so close that we must either surrender to it or do everything in our power to control it. Yes, there are measures in between, but the sexual impulse does not give up—it doesn’t have that capacity. No matter how we try to control it, sexuality just is. It’s how we be with it that is the opportunity.
Sexual repression appeared rampant at the time of Dangerous Beauty‘s depiction (and highly encouraged by social structures at that time). It appears rampant to me now (and highly encouraged, perhaps in superficially different ways, by social structures currently). Am I suggesting that a large part of the fear, hatred, and relentless harm we do each other around the world at this time is based, at least in part, on sexual repression?
I am.
At a key point in the film, Veronica Franco’s character states,
“I confess I find more ecstasy in passion than in prayer. Such passion is prayer. . . . I confess I hunger still to be filled and enflamed, to melt into the dream of us, beyond this troubled place—to where we are not even ourselves.”
Those lines gave me chills the first time I watched the movie, and they did again yesterday when I watched it most recently. I would certainly not say that everyone should agree with them and feel the same way—we are all unique and experience things as such. I do wish, though, truly and deeply, that we would see the offering in them and open to discover whatever truth resonates uniquely and authentically within each of us.
It is in that, it seems to me, that true progress lies.
Love,
Emerald
-Adam Lambert “Aftermath”
An Extraordinary Gathering (and a Gathering of the Extraordinary)
One week ago right now (that is to say, last Monday at 1:00 in the morning) I was in the bar of the hotel where the MOMENTUM: Making waves in sexuality, feminism & relationships through new media conference was held, engaging in a social hour(s…) with conference organizers Tess Danesi, Diva, and a number of the other conference attendees/presenters.
The moment I drove away from the hotel, and thus the conference, that night, I started missing it.
I experienced MOMENTUM as so extraordinary and magnificent it’s felt hard, really, to recreate it in words. The general energy of the gathering of people focused on, appreciative of, and fascinated by sexuality seemed palpable to me; I experienced this energy as vibrant, refreshing, and consistent throughout the conference, starting even before any of its official events had begun. It was like being in an energetic hot tub. In addition, Robin Sampson/Erobintica and a friend of hers came down to stay with me to attend the conference, which was an added pleasure of the weekend.
I do not feel it is an exaggeration to say that I found all of the workshops and presenters I attended/observed astonishing. The opening panel, composed of Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Jenny Block, Reid Mihalko and moderated by Lynn Comella, struck me as positively electrifying—serving as an appropriate tone-setter as such for the rest of the weekend. As I had followed the list of presenters in the weeks leading up to MOMENTUM’s beginning, I felt delighted and impressed by the figures Tess and Diva were securing to present there. Though I knew I felt excited to see/meet so many of them in person, I was truly blown away by the power and energy I experienced when the time came from the presentations I had the privilege of experiencing.
Saturday began for me with Megan Andelloux‘s workshop on educating about sexual health and pleasure. I’ve known of Megan since the story of the controversy about her Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health was reported on Good Vibrations Magazine in 2009, resulting in my immediate support for her endeavor and its success. Shortly after that I became acquainted with her online, and it was a delight to get to meet her in person and certainly to see her present. Also on Saturday I had the unexpected fascination of attending the impromptu presentation by Constance Penley, who was at the conference and filled in for another speaker who had canceled. Constance served as an expert witness in last year’s obscenity trial of John Stagliano, and I found it utterly riveting to hear her behind-the-scenes account and perspective of such.
Early Sunday morning saw a panel I found starkly fascinating and informative in Sex Positive Interventions: The Feminist Sex Wars and Beyond presented by Lynn Comella and Carol Queen. Later Sunday, having found his energy distinctly compelling during the opening panel Friday night, I attended the presentation of Reid Mihalko, my meeting of whom was one of my favorite parts of the conference. The conference closed Sunday afternoon with an open-to-the-public discussion from Tristan Taormino and Susie Bright, which it probably goes without saying I found magnificent.
After all the official offerings were said and done, it was with the social gathering at the bar Sunday evening that the conference weekend ended for me. This was one of my favorite aspects of the conference—the opportunity to personally interact with the others there (this happened Saturday night too, when Rachel Kramer Bussel was still in town and I got to see her—and eat one of the cupcakes she brought!—at MOMENTUM headquarters [i.e., Tess and Diva’s hotel suite] for a while). Here I got to spend much more time with Tess, Diva, Lynn, Reid, and others as well as connect for the first time with the lovely and delightful Greg DeLong, co-founder and designer of (the gorgeous!) njoy sex toys.
At one of my former day jobs at a nonprofit dedicated to supporting and protecting reproductive health and rights, we were asked at a board meeting one time to go around the room and introduce ourselves and say something we found inspiring. When it got to me, I said that I found it inspiring to be in a room full of people that I knew cared about this issue as much as I did—so much that they would devote their livelihood or time or resources to it and convene at this gathering where embodying and expressing such were at the forefront of our consciousness. Historically I have tended to profoundly appreciate being in the presence of such gatherings, to witness physically the existence of people who experience the same intensity and clarity about a subject that feels so important to me.
That’s how I felt at MOMENTUM. And immediately after I left Sunday night, I missed that camaraderie, the feeling/knowing I was surrounded physically by people who care as much about exploring, discussing, and appreciating sexuality as I do and the warm feeling of knowing I would be going back to that and surrounded by it again the next day. I relate to the description found here that fellow conference attendee (presenter, actually) Leela wrote about this phenomenon.
In summary, what an amazing conference. A result, of course, of amazing creators and organizers Tess and Diva, to whom I extend profound and enormous thanks—not only am I so appreciative of and impressed by what they created and convened, I am truly thrilled that I had the opportunity to personally be a part of it.
I can hardly wait for MOMENTUM 2012.
Love,
Emerald
-LIVE “All I Need”
In Praise of Protection
In the United States, we are currently in the middle of National Condom Week, which is recognized in the U.S. during the week of Valentine’s Day (February is National Condom Month). Thus it seemed an appropriate time to post my ode to this rubber entity I love and appreciate so much.
Several weeks ago the beautiful and inspiring Nikki Magennis initiated a series of posts honoring the condom on her blog. I deeply appreciated the sentiment and much enjoyed reading the lovely pieces, many of which were fiction flashers, she offered on the topic. (In fact, she has now created an entire blog devoted to the loveliness of the condom—check out Rubber Soul!)
In one of Nikki’s posts, she linked to this piece, in which three authors discuss their respective perspectives about including the mention of condom usage in the fiction they write. The piece is specifically about M/M romance, but I myself frankly don’t see distinctions either among which populations it is more appropriate to use condoms or in which genres their use is appropriately included/displayed—to me condom usage seems appropriate across the board in partnered sex unless the partners are monogamous with each other and have been STI/STD-tested*—so I read it as a general post about condom usage/mentions in fiction.
In the comments, I saw a number of assertions of something I have heard before (in regard to both erotic fiction and pornography of other media): These are “fantasies,” so the realism of condom usage is not necessary and/or desired and may even seem misplaced.
I feel very differently about this. The first thing that strikes me, I think, is that I don’t feel I write erotica just to write “fantasy” (this may be different in the romance genre, which the aforementioned article appeared to be more related to). I write it because sex interests me, and its inclusion in life is what I want to reflect in my writing—the ways sex enlightens, challenges, connects us, the plethora of sensations and emotions we feel around it, how it shows us things about ourselves, others, society. For me, the idea that I’m writing an “escape” and thus should not or would not want to include real-life concerns in what I’m writing does not resonate. To me, in fact, it feels more accurate to say the opposite would be true.
As I mentioned in the interview Ashley Lister did with me for the Erotica Readers and Writers Association, I have been carrying condoms in my purse since I started having sex. Rarely am I anywhere without them. This has of course been quite deliberate, and I have made use of condoms I’m carrying with me numerous times. Often the characters I’ve written have adopted this trait as well, and as I mentioned in the interview, while some readers may find this unrealistic or “too” convenient, the first part of this paragraph may show why I do not.
It thus seems odd to me to not include this aspect of sexuality in what I write. I am, as I mentioned, aiming to write about the integral nature of sexuality in life, and to me condoms are a significant part of that. Since I myself have never found condoms a “mood-killer” or any such thing, I have not aimed to portray them as such in what I’ve written (which is not to say one would never interpret them as such—I have no control of course over how my work is interpreted). Rather, I have mentioned them generally the same way I have experienced them in my life—matter-of-factly, as a requisite and understood aspect of sex. I myself have often found condoms sexy: they offer a protection I appreciate indescribably, and they tend to represent that I will soon be, well, having sex. :)
Also on the aforementioned post, I saw comments such as this one, from someone who posted as Tam:
Don’t expect me to care about “real” characters who only act like “real” people when it’s convenient and I have to ignore everything else. If I’m sitting there thinking “what kind of idiot has bareback alley sex with a stranger” I’m not thinking “that was really well written and wow, that was a funny line and I loved the description of the garbage bin.”
I will admit I feel relieved to see comments like this, not because of a vested interest in regard to my own writing or because I want readers to agree with me, but rather because I have sometimes felt there has been an underlying idea permeating society that condoms somehow “aren’t sexy” and aren’t really important or desired or used in real sexual interaction. I find that very disturbing, and probably in large part given my history as a reproductive rights and health activist, I have tended to place a lot of importance on the open acknowledgement and embrace of condoms as an essential and desirable component of modern sexual landscape. It is both because I feel no desire whatsoever to contribute to the perpetuation of the idea that condoms are “un-sexy” or “kill the mood” or somehow decrease the quality of sex in any of the depictions of sex I offer (including in video porn) as well as the simple reality I have experienced of the connection between condoms and partnered sex that leaving out the mention of them in writing erotic fiction feels jarring and inappropriate to me.
That all being said, none of this is to say any or everyone else, writer or reader, should feel the same way I do. I am simply stating my perception and experience of condom use in life and fictitious portrayal and why I have made the invariably deliberate references to condoms in my writing that I have. On the subject of fiction, incidentally, I will say that applying a rule that characters must use condoms does not seem appealing to me. Characters are characters; they do what they do. To state what a character in fiction must do before the character has even been born or created (even by the author) seems dubious and intrusive to me. As Nikki said, it is not that I support any installation of such a rule; rather, I am stating why I personally find it called for to include condom use and the reference to it in sexually explicit fiction and why I have chosen to do so (as well as why I find condoms sexy!).
Happy belated Valentine’s Day, and happy National Condom Week and Month!
Love,
Emerald
-Rob Thomas “Real World ’09″
Relevance, Resources, and Reminiscence: Appreciating Scarleteen
On the entry page to my website, the “Not 18 yet? Exit here” button links to Scarleteen. That has been the case since my site went live, and it was something I knew would be the case when I first began to conceptualize having and creating a website.
This post is my participation in the Scarleteen Blog Carnival, a fundraising appeal for Scarleteen.com. Scarleteen provides an extraordinary wealth of sexuality-related information and services to youth, from detailed pages about sexual anatomy to in-depth answers to questions from readers to message boards and a real-time text/SMS service where youth may receive prompt or immediate answers to their questions.
All these and the other amazing resources Scarleteen provides, it provides for free. While I’ve known of Scarleteen for a number of years, I rarely thought about how it sustained itself financially and didn’t know that it did so exclusively through donations (it receives no public/governmental funding). When I did learn this, I became a donor. If you find yourself similarly inclined to offer Scarleteen financial support, please visit this page to do so or for more information.
It may seem odd, but I don’t actually remember very much about the sex education I received (or didn’t receive) in school. It might be that, probably unlike a lot of youth, I simply didn’t find it important or relevant: Deeply ingrained in my psyche was that I was not to have sex before I was married, and probably also unlike many youth, this rule was not questioned by me, nor did I feel at all at liberty to break it. (I seemed also to have a vague view that when I got married, it would all somehow magically come together and I would know everything I needed to know, I suppose just because I was doing the “right” thing.)
Back then, it seems my thinking was pretty literal (that tendency has probably not changed very much), and thus the “sex” in “no sex before marriage” meant to me vaginal intercourse. That wasn’t because I was trying to be sneaky and get away with anything else; it was simply that it didn’t occur to me that that wasn’t exactly what it meant. My (admittedly skewed) understanding was that it was vaginal intercourse that was not allowed by “God” until marriage. Everything else I didn’t seem to consider “sex,” so I sincerely didn’t feel it was breaking that (extremely strict and rigid) rule to partake in any of it.
Thus, in addition to giving and receiving oral sex, I had anal sex long before I “lost my virginity.” Given the above definition, it did not occur to me that anal sex wouldn’t be an allowable alternative to the vaginal sex I was forbidden from having until/unless I was married.
In other words, sex education was not irrelevant for me.
I don’t consider it problematic in itself that I was having anal sex at this age (mid-teens) for any moral reasoning or such. (I actually find it more concerning that sexuality as a whole seemed so steeped in fear and potential punishment for me.) Where some kind of sex education would have been helpful is in that I really didn’t know jack about anal sex (for example, I knew nothing of lube). I remember knowing to use a condom, which I appreciate, but I didn’t seem to understand yet the essentialness of using one every time, because I do remember wondering if I could become pregnant from anal sex the one or two times my boyfriend and I didn’t have a condom handy and didn’t use one.
At those times I specifically remember wishing there were someone I could ask this quick question without feeling embarrassment, arousing suspicion, or eliciting some kind of condemnation or punishment. There wasn’t anyone with whom I felt comfortable engaging in an extensive conversation on the subject of sex (however beneficial that may have been to me), and I just wanted an immediate answer to the simple question of whether I could become pregnant via anal sex.
Enter Scarleteen.
Scarleteen wasn’t around then of course, but it’s exactly the kind of resource I was looking for—probably very quickly, I could have found the answer to that question (if for some reason I didn’t, I could go to the message boards and ask, or text for a real-time response). But what I really find striking is what occurs to me in addition to that: Had Scarleteen existed, and had I visited it to find the answer to this simple question, I don’t doubt that I may have found enough interest in much of the other information there, and found the presentation sufficiently appealing and comfortable, that I might have spent some time perusing the multitude of information about sex and sexuality specifically directed toward teens and youth that Scarleteen provides.
And that, I suspect, could have supported me quite a bit.
One of the things I appreciate most about Scarleteen is that in addition to providing sexuality education from physiological, health, intimacy, relationship, sexual orientation/identity, legal, and self-awareness perspectives, the site offers this information in a straightforward, nonjudgmental, respectful, non-gender-stereotyping, and non-proselytizing way. It doesn’t use marriage as a starting point to discuss sex (a constraint I truly find disturbing). It doesn’t use presentation steeped in fear, gender biases and stereotypes, religious rules, or anti-sex “morality.” Perhaps most notably (and probably related to all those things), Scarleteen recognizes and discusses the pleasure of sex, its inherent place in our lives and the world, treating it as a facet of a whole and complete existence and understanding of self just like eating, creativity, safety, self-expression, knowledge, interpersonal relationship, and so many other things our cultural has seemed much more comfortable acknowledging and honoring.
Scarleteen honors sex this way too, and that’s why I honor them.
When I worked in the day-job world, the position I most commonly held was as a fundraiser for nonprofits. While it may not appear so to donors, which is appropriate, fundraising is a concentrated, time-consuming, demanding endeavor. Things like writing proposals and reports and appeals and thank-you letters take a lot of time, organization, and punctuality. Scarleteen founder and director Heather Corinna alludes to this as follows:
“Scarleteen has always been primarily supported by generous individuals like yourself and small community groups. While this requires we operate at a far smaller budget than other similar organizations, it also allows us a high level of freedom and autonomy and the greatest ability to provide young people with what they are asking us for, rather than seeking to create or adapt content and services primarily to suit what funders want. On top of that, this approach to funding also allows our staff to put nearly all of our time, energy and money into directly serving youth, rather than into grant seeking, writing and administrating.”
I love the idea of Scarleteen’s staff getting to devote more of its attention and resources to the services it provides and less to the administrative fundraising requirements with which I am so familiar. Thus, I am delighted to have this opportunity to support the site’s raising of funds by partaking in the Scarleteen Blog Carnival. Especially in a culture where we pretend that kids under the age of 18 are not having, curious about, or thinking about sex and should thus have no access to information or “ideas” about it, a site like Scarleteen seems invaluable to me.
Because of this, I deeply appreciate Scarleteen’s existence and the service it provides. If you do too and feel so moved, I invite you to consider supporting Scarleteen financially. Thank you to all those who have, and thank you again to Heather Corinna and Scarleteen.com for doing what they do.
Love,
Emerald
“‘Children behave,’ that’s what they say when we’re together, ‘and watch how you play,’ they don’t understand…look at the way we’ve got to hide what we’re doing, cause what would they say if they ever knew…”
-Tiffany “I Think We’re Alone Now”
Love
Understandably, what has been referred to as bullying has seemed a prominent topic right now. I have seen a number of what I have found heartening responses and outreach in relation to the subject, one of which was today by Rick R. Reed. As I have reflected on what seems this bullying phenomenon I have experienced as prevalent in the media right now, some things have occurred to me.
Seeing children and adolescents act needlessly mean or cruel to each other feels like it rips my heart open. It has for as long as I can remember—even to some degree when I was one. During my pre-teen and early teenage years I felt a target of what has now been dubbed the “mean girls” phenomenon among my peers. I attended a very small school (there were about 21 students in my class), which looking back seems to me very relevant to the situation. I experienced the five girls who were my closest “friends” as arbitrarily and frequently ostracizing me, and given the tiny size of my peer group in the school and the relatively established groups of friends within it, when this happened I felt really all alone at times in the school atmosphere.
Even then, I didn’t like to see other kids being picked on because I felt like I knew how it felt. But I will say that at that age I still halfheartedly participated in it sometimes in a desperate attempt to “fit in” with those who at least as frequently scathingly isolated, verbally attacked, maliciously gossiped about, and appeared to take pleasure in ignoring me. It seemed a vicious cycle in a way, and while I say with all sincerity that kids bullying other kids breaks my heart, I must acknowledge too that that may seem easier for me to say and recognize as an adult than it was to act nobly when I was that age, because I remember sometimes (again, halfheartedly) participating in it too.
I did this because I felt desperately left out, unwanted, unloved, and like it seemed there was no place in the world I could go where I would experience the opposite and feel safe. I do remember sitting by myself one day on the playground and the thought occurring to me, “It won’t always be like this. I won’t always be at this school, with only this group of people. Someday I won’t be trapped in this environment. Someday it will be different. Something will be different.” I really do remember thinking that. I also remember thinking though that at the time, that seemed almost inconceivably far away, and I did not know what I was going to do in the meantime.
I, of course, did not have the additional confusion, possible fear, and seeming target for bullying of feeling any question or (generally, it seemed) external perceptions about the sexual orientation, gender identity, etc., in me. I am only saying that I remember feeling desperately ostracized and manipulated by my peers (mostly female) and utterly powerless to do anything at all to change it. Thus, sometimes, if for a fleeting moment it felt like I was being included, that I wasn’t suffering that horrific loneliness and searing humiliation of what seemed a complete rejection by the people my age with whom I went to school, I might do something I felt less than excited about in order to “hold on” to that feeling—like participate in picking on someone else that my group of “friends” was presently targeting.
The adolescent of a species, including human of course, is by definition not fully developed, but not completely helpless like the infant or child of the species either. It seems to me this could contribute to what makes this seem such a tumultuous time. Human adolescents generally observe some degree of autonomy but are not fully developed yet, and they may feel a sense of overwhelm in the face of the power they do have juxtaposed with that they don’t. I for one feel that they tend to take their cues from those of the species who are fully developed (which is not the same as evolved or aware—just physically fully developed as an adult).
Given what has seemed to me collective humanity’s prominent issues around sexuality (including gender) at this time, it does not seem surprising to me that this area/subject is one around which intense vitriol, ignorance, and aggression has been displayed by youth.
I have literally cried as I have read recent accounts of adolescents exhibiting horrific cruelty and ignorance toward one another. It feels like my heart breaks open—which I let it do, and do my very best to be with. But I look around at how adults treat each other, and even as my heart breaks more—I feel chillingly not surprised.
—If we want to make a lot of money via the media, we follow people who are famous and try to find things out about them that they have not shared with the public, and that we probably wouldn’t want the public finding out about us, and broadcast it indiscriminately. More of us then go on to state our perceptions about that, some of which may seem personally directed and/or even malicious. How frequently do we consider the feelings of the subjects of this kind of scrutiny and/or exploitation?
—If we want to hold political office in America, we leverage as many resources as we can against whomever is running “against” us and then attack that person/people either verbally or through forms of what seem frequently overt manipulation.
—When we don’t like the way another country/culture/society is doing something in the world (however justified we may find that disapproval to be), we go to war with them.
To me, all of these things look in some way like bullying—implicitly, overtly, collectively, and/or via manipulation.
I was at Dave & Buster’s the other night, and for the most part I had a delightful time. As I walked around, however, I saw numerous games that included all sorts of aggression and violence toward both people and animals. I do not feel any aspiration to fall back on a “blame video games for all violence and issues among children” stance. I do, however, simply wonder why we find violence so entertaining. Why are games designed to be fun and compelling replete with violence that sometimes includes literally killing people in them? What is it we find so compelling about violence? Is it a way to deal with underlying fear in us that for the most part is not even conscious but that may largely direct our behavior and experience? Some part of us knows/senses such fear is there (in some this may seem more conscious than others), and in seeking desperately to not let it come to consciousness, we act out in ways that seem “safe” but still touch that darker part of us that is unconsciously there?
I don’t know. What I do feel is that the above have often been engaged in by adults. Yes, the way(s) some adolescents in question in recent news stories have acted seems horrifying—but where might they be getting this kind of example?
We don’t know what the home lives of the kids who are initiating and/or participating in bullying look or looked like, how their parents interact/interacted with them, how they are and have been treated away from their peers. I feel very clear that I am in no way intending to excuse or underestimate the behavior they have displayed by saying that. What I am rather aspiring to is remembering that there are motivations for everyone’s behavior, even kids’, and very frequently it is unconscious. In children, this may especially be the case if they are treated unconsciously by adults, particularly their parents.
To return to the “breaking the cycle” framework I invoked in a recent post, this does not seem to me helped by seeking simply to punish or counter-ostracize kids who act in a bullying way. I understand feeling the urge to do that. I do. I experience the anguish, fury, painful and indescribable frustration in response to horrendous treatment of human beings by another/others. But it seems to me reactive punishment and aggression simply breed more of the same behavior, coming out somewhere else or in some other way. It is where the motivation for the behavior may have come from in the first place.
This is not simple stuff. It is not an easy answer or certainly an easy process to say, “Okay. I’ll just change all the habits in me and get rid of all my unconscious motivations and love everybody.” First, in my experience, none of that can be “done” by way of the mind that is able to conceive of them. The shift is beyond that kind of conception and certainly beyond “trying.” It seems to me, however, that it begins with openly (and lovingly) observing ourselves, and especially on this subject the kind of example we are setting—larger than just what we do in front of kids. How are we living our lives? How do we view people? How do we treat people? How do we view and treat ourselves?
In that light, all I have is an invitation, which I offer wholly to myself as well:
Take a deep breath. Do it all the time. Focus on the breath. Hold yourself (again I am saying this to me too) in love. Touch yourself lovingly (yeah, yeah—I don’t mean just that way—though I certainly don’t mean not that way either). Seriously. Place your hand on some part of your body with love. Do you feel it? Does it feel different? Unusual? If you feel like it, even give yourself a physical hug.
Return to these things, over and over again. They may help more than we have any idea.
Love,
Emerald
“We got teenagers walking around in a culture of darkness, living together alone…don’t you know that love’s the only house big enough for all the pain in the world?…”
-Martina McBride “Love’s the Only House”
An Invitation (Perhaps a Plea) to Explore…
I recently read on Blogging Censorship, the blog of the National Coalition Against Censorship (NCAC), of two recent cases of proposed or fulfilled book banning in (United States) school libraries. The first was at Sequoyah Middle School in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, in response to a complaint from a parent about the book Shooting Star by Fredrick McKissack Jr. The school board faced a decision in August about whether to allow the book to remain on the school library’s shelves, which it ultimately did. The second case was at Stockton High School in Stockton, Missouri, which a few weeks ago held a public forum about its April ban of the novel The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie from classrooms and the school library.
In the Oklahoma case, a parent complained that Shooting Star used the word “fuck” in the text 45 times.
In the Missouri case, one of the dissenting parents had this to say:
So. “Fuck” and masturbation. These are what we collectively feel so afraid of our children being exposed to, from which it is so important to protect them. A word that has been known to refer to sex and a personal act that involves oneself. Huh.Mike Holzknecht, who has two children in Stockton schools, supports the ban. He displayed several large copies of pages in the book, one of which described masturbation.
“I am proud of you guys for saying no. Here’s the limit,” he said to the board, pointing to the pages. “We’re not going to take it.
“It’s an insult to my son and my daughter to say we have to have stuff like this in our schools to make them read,” Holzknecht said.
Listen, parents who initiated and continued action to have these books banned from school: I am not a parent. I do not pretend to know how challenging and intense being one may be. There have been many times when I have observed something related to children or parenting and recognized and acknowledged that I do not know how I would respond or act in that situation.
It seems strongly evident to me, however, that acting like sex doesn’t exist, or that it’s something scary or wrong or bad, is not helpful. It is not going to contribute to kids’ developing aware and whole perspectives about this intrinsic area of life. It’s not going to help children respect their bodies, their instincts, each other more. It very well may interfere with these things.
What it is more likely to result in is things like the adult services section of a popular website being shut down and efforts to put people in jail for selling products designed to invoke sexual stimulation because so many adults seem so skittish about sex that openness or professional services around it seem to scare them enough to try to pretend it doesn’t exist, at least in ways they feel uneasy about, in adults too.
Another way of putting it is that these adults may have been privy to this kind of sex-phobic teaching as children too.
As has occurred to me many times, what I wish or would prefer is that adults not simply project things onto children because it seems easier (which in a way it almost undoubtedly is, though in another way it results in suffering because it is ignorant) instead of examining themselves. I truly don’t blame people for experiencing issues around sexuality. (In some ways, I may relate.) The society in which we live has seemed to me to act rampantly pubescent and/or puritanical about sex, and it does not seem to nurture an open, aware environment or tendency to nurture those characteristics individually around it. It thus does not seem surprising to me that inner distortions, conscious or unconscious, exist in numerous adults around sexuality.
But that is what they are—they are issues in oneself around this complex and inherent-to-life subject and area of life. Projecting them outward thoughtlessly, especially onto youth, is a disservice to all. Doesn’t that make sense? If you are not examining, and indeed sometimes experiencing the discomfort of, working through your own issues, don’t you see how simply projecting outward whatever you are not facing in yourself subconsciously or unconsciously is perpetuating that cycle? It means the kids subjected to this kind of projection may more likely themselves not learn how to self-examine and may even develop some of the same unconscious and subconscious issues around sexuality that have not been worked through in the adults around them.
In this way, examining oneself may truly be a way to break a lot of cycles. This terminology may be familiar in its usage in domestic violence campaigns—”breaking the cycle” of violence has been spoken of in this context. There are many more “cycles,” phenomena of ignorance and unawareness in ourselves, that are similarly perpetuated, albeit seemingly in not as grotesquely obvious ways. This is one of them. When we aren’t aware of our own unconscious motivations because we have not acknowledged or examined things inside us that admittedly feel uncomfortable, we invite and breed the perpetuation of that unconsciousness and suppression.
In my experience, observation, and understanding, individuals who seem to demonstrate extreme self-righteousness, judgment, or dictatorial tendencies do not do so just because it seems fun. Regardless of whether they are aware of or acknowledge motivations for these tendencies, there is likely a lot of unprocessed pain and/or psychological patterning in them that came at a time when they themselves were children and developed these psychic structures in order to survive. I really do understand that attending to these things in ourselves may be extremely uncomfortable, painful, or even traumatic.
But not examining them is painful in an ongoing manner not only for ourselves but also for humanity collectively. Fearing sex as a subject and our children’s eventual exposure to it as a healthy, intrinsic part of life seems indicative to me of a distortion in perspective. It is not sex itself that is problematic but our fears and issues around it of which we are not consciously aware and/or which we have not worked through, and this seems especially relevant in relation to how we are teaching and the messages we are sending young people about this aspect of life. Especially if we feel a fear or resistance around sexuality, I invite us all to take a deep breath and sincerely examine what is truly there and what resistances or inhibitions we encounter in relation to the subject—and to eventually explore the idea of feeling enthusiastic about nurturing the open, individualized, integrated, authentic, eventual sexual selves of all youth and indeed all individuals.
Love,
Emerald
-The Killers “Sam’s Town”
